Friday, July 28, 2006


Stuffed with Failure

I would just like to point out that the Mariners' failure to get anything resembling adequate production from Carl Everett was only matched by my failure to complete the multi-part series devoted to educating him about dinosaurs. Now that he is gone, I feel no desire nor need to continue this long-abandoned task, and would prefer it if everyone would kindly neglect to bring it up. The mere thought of either Carl Everett or dinosaurs disgusts me, quite frankly, and I am glad I will never have to deal with either of them again.

On a completely unrelated and innocent note, I am planning a vacation to a remote Latin American island, where a British tycoon has promised me "the experience of a lifetime" in his "brand new, Prehistoric-themed theme park." I can in no way see how this little adventure could possibly go wrong.


Breaking Our String of One Post Every Two Months

The trade deadline looms, and so far, the Mariners have done this:

Back in June, they traded Asdrubal Cabrera for Eduardo Perez. Hardly news, I know. It is now almost August. But I felt I should bring this up, not only because it factors into a comment I will make later (who will this comment be about? Don't touch that dial!), but also because it seems to hint at a possible tradition forming within the Mariners front office: acquiring players who are the offspring of former major leaguers. What mountain of evidence do I have for this? The draftings of Jrs. Griffey and Cruz, and the acquisition of Griffey Sr. (although that was, admittedly, this theory in reverse). Eduardo, of course, being descended from Tony Perez, and about half as talented, is further "proof," though even by now this entire point, barely a paragraph old, seems contrived and moronic--a situation I will rectify by taking a cheap shot at Willie Bloomquist: I hear the M's wanted to acquire Bloomquist's dad, as well, but it turns out he's leading his beer league softball team to a city championship, and also would not want to degrade his honor by taking the same field as his son. Hey-o!

On a side note, we lose the wonderfully convoluted first name of Asdrubal Cabrera. It's a wonder more kids aren't named Asdrubal. Or, in the tradition of Nomar Garciaparra, Laburdsa.

Early July, they trade Eddie Guardado and cash to Cincy for Travis Chick. Everyday Eddie had been downgraded to Every Three-Or-Four Day Eddie, and while I admit I know little about Travis Chick, his name provides ample ammunition for chauvinist hecklers should his time ever come. I, on the other hand, would more likely conjure up a witty slam involving his name and Scottish rock outfit Travis, possibly relating to their album titled The Man Who, though it is exactly this sort of behavior which leads me to have beer "spilled" on me so often. Needless to say, it probably rains so often on Mr. Chick because he lied when he was seventeen, and while I'm sorry about his driftwood-like career, the truth is he's been drifting for quite a long time.

July 14: Released Jeff Harris, on Bastille Day. Needless to say, a bittersweet day for Harris, whose brief sojourn in the majors is likely over. A good story, though, and if only he were left-handed or a schoolteacher, Disney might make a movie out of it.

July 26: A day of celebration, as Carl Everett was sent packing to pastures unknown (might I suggest The Land Before Time?), and the Mariners at long last acknowledge the mistake made in acquiring him. Better still, Chris Snelling gets called up from AAA. Hooray!

And then, a loud, long chorus of boos and hisses, as the de-Koreanization of the team begins with the trade of Shin Soo-Choo to Cleveland for Ben Broussard. The team's most promising Korean player sent away in return for one-half of Cleveland's old DH platoon. The other half? Why, none other than Eduardo Perez! What a happy coincidence! Not one, but two players that Cleveland deemed expendable at the same position, now plying their dually-ineffective trade right here in Seattle. Although facilitating the demise of Everett, this move is greeted with much skepticism by half-Koreans all over Seattle, especially when Choo goes yard off King Felix two days later, supplying the game's only run.

In all fairness, though, Broussard probably isn't that bad, and by that I mean he's not Carl Everett, and he probably at least acknowledges the existence of gigantic prehistoric lizards.

July 27: Chris Snelling is placed on the 15-day DL (cue ironic, knowing laughter), with an impingement in his left shoulder, whatever the hell that is. Is his body just making up ways to break down now? When he returns from this, should he be placed on 24-hour spontaneous combustion watch? Are there any rules specifically prohibiting bionic men from playing professional baseball? Because if there aren't, I'd like to suggest that as a remedy.

As for the rest of this squad, the only remedy other than a weak AL West would appear to be some kind of magic. Preferably the kind that turns Willie Bloomquist into Carlos Lee, and also somehow acquires him from the Rangers in return for them paying his contract. Come on, Bavasi! Wave that wand!

Monday, July 10, 2006


Letters to Bavasi: Vol.1

I've been thinking about different forms of the letter -- what it means to address a piece of writing to an intended reader -- and, of course, about the Mariners. In this series, the two trains collide. Today's attempt is a dramatic blank verse address.

Dear Bavasi, I've been promiscuous
But now am true. I've seen the teal and blue
As merely two among a multitude
Of equally worthy hues -- even, at times,
Spun the color-wheel and found excuse
To cheer whichever combination stuck.
It's been a long two years, in short, since I
Last found the strength to clamp the daily irons
To my legs and listen through the mid-action ads
From Fairly, Rizzs and Henderson long enough
To hear Guardado tank, or Felix fire
Some blanks, or Sexson break a game in half
With a light-tower blast. But here I am: a fan
Again, and blessed to be one, with you to thank,
Bavasi. Take my thanks about as far
As next Thursday, then toss them out. Rumor is,
Some roster play's upcoming. Rumor is,
Petagine's gone and Everett's going.
Fare one well and fuck the other (although
I find it difficult to root against
Even King Craptastic as long as he's got
A compass rose on his cap). But what comes next
Is always more important than what's done.
Rumor is, Chris Snelling's coming up,
And gets at-bats or Hargrove's out the door.
I'd love to see it -- 'HARGROVE OUT THE DOOR' --
But here's the thing. I've got a running loop
Inside my head that's been there since October
'95. A low line-drive down the third-base line,
A body rounding second, rounding third.
Rewind, repeat. A low line-drive
Down the third-base line, a small bird
Flying just above the water. That's all.
And hearing "Snelling coming up," that's all
I see. Bavasi -- make the call. Andy

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