Friday, July 28, 2006


Breaking Our String of One Post Every Two Months

The trade deadline looms, and so far, the Mariners have done this:

Back in June, they traded Asdrubal Cabrera for Eduardo Perez. Hardly news, I know. It is now almost August. But I felt I should bring this up, not only because it factors into a comment I will make later (who will this comment be about? Don't touch that dial!), but also because it seems to hint at a possible tradition forming within the Mariners front office: acquiring players who are the offspring of former major leaguers. What mountain of evidence do I have for this? The draftings of Jrs. Griffey and Cruz, and the acquisition of Griffey Sr. (although that was, admittedly, this theory in reverse). Eduardo, of course, being descended from Tony Perez, and about half as talented, is further "proof," though even by now this entire point, barely a paragraph old, seems contrived and moronic--a situation I will rectify by taking a cheap shot at Willie Bloomquist: I hear the M's wanted to acquire Bloomquist's dad, as well, but it turns out he's leading his beer league softball team to a city championship, and also would not want to degrade his honor by taking the same field as his son. Hey-o!

On a side note, we lose the wonderfully convoluted first name of Asdrubal Cabrera. It's a wonder more kids aren't named Asdrubal. Or, in the tradition of Nomar Garciaparra, Laburdsa.

Early July, they trade Eddie Guardado and cash to Cincy for Travis Chick. Everyday Eddie had been downgraded to Every Three-Or-Four Day Eddie, and while I admit I know little about Travis Chick, his name provides ample ammunition for chauvinist hecklers should his time ever come. I, on the other hand, would more likely conjure up a witty slam involving his name and Scottish rock outfit Travis, possibly relating to their album titled The Man Who, though it is exactly this sort of behavior which leads me to have beer "spilled" on me so often. Needless to say, it probably rains so often on Mr. Chick because he lied when he was seventeen, and while I'm sorry about his driftwood-like career, the truth is he's been drifting for quite a long time.

July 14: Released Jeff Harris, on Bastille Day. Needless to say, a bittersweet day for Harris, whose brief sojourn in the majors is likely over. A good story, though, and if only he were left-handed or a schoolteacher, Disney might make a movie out of it.

July 26: A day of celebration, as Carl Everett was sent packing to pastures unknown (might I suggest The Land Before Time?), and the Mariners at long last acknowledge the mistake made in acquiring him. Better still, Chris Snelling gets called up from AAA. Hooray!

And then, a loud, long chorus of boos and hisses, as the de-Koreanization of the team begins with the trade of Shin Soo-Choo to Cleveland for Ben Broussard. The team's most promising Korean player sent away in return for one-half of Cleveland's old DH platoon. The other half? Why, none other than Eduardo Perez! What a happy coincidence! Not one, but two players that Cleveland deemed expendable at the same position, now plying their dually-ineffective trade right here in Seattle. Although facilitating the demise of Everett, this move is greeted with much skepticism by half-Koreans all over Seattle, especially when Choo goes yard off King Felix two days later, supplying the game's only run.

In all fairness, though, Broussard probably isn't that bad, and by that I mean he's not Carl Everett, and he probably at least acknowledges the existence of gigantic prehistoric lizards.

July 27: Chris Snelling is placed on the 15-day DL (cue ironic, knowing laughter), with an impingement in his left shoulder, whatever the hell that is. Is his body just making up ways to break down now? When he returns from this, should he be placed on 24-hour spontaneous combustion watch? Are there any rules specifically prohibiting bionic men from playing professional baseball? Because if there aren't, I'd like to suggest that as a remedy.

As for the rest of this squad, the only remedy other than a weak AL West would appear to be some kind of magic. Preferably the kind that turns Willie Bloomquist into Carlos Lee, and also somehow acquires him from the Rangers in return for them paying his contract. Come on, Bavasi! Wave that wand!

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