Thursday, April 13, 2006


For Starters

My off-season Tommy John surgery went well. Thank you all for your get well-cards, and special thanks to those who sent me 1989 Topps cards of the actual Tommy John, the one where he looks like he's about a billion years old. You frightened the pain right out of my elbow.

Now that my limbs are fully functional once again, I can get back to my regular habit of gesticulating wildly to no one in particular as I make ridiculous demands to people who don't know I exist.

So to Bill Bavasi I say:

Acquire Hee Seop Choi already! It is clear that this team, with Richie Sexson at first and Roberto Petagine sitting on the bench, has no need for giant Korean sluggers who play first and maybe DH. This should not dissuade you. The novelty of owning a giant Korean slugger is worth more than a precious roster spot or the major-league minimum you'd likely have to pay him. Sure, Jim Tracy preferred playing Olmedo Saenz to good old Choi, but just ask around baseball about Jim Tracy. Specifically, ask Milton Bradley about Jim Tracy. Or just check out his wardrobe. Point is, well, fuck Jim Tracy. Jim Tracy wouldn't know talent if it wore a shirt defiling his name around his team's clubhouse. You're better off listening to me than Jim Tracy, so listen up:

Get me Hee Seop Choi! Shin Soo-Choo is not going to be getting any major playing time soon (thank you, Joe Borchard). If we're going to have a Korean doing little more than providing homemade kim-chee for the rest of the club, it might as well be a giant one who can slug every once in a while, and who incidentally happens to rank pretty high on my list of cult heroes. The Mariners brass likes to talk about its commitment to the fans--well, Mr. Bavasi, how about committing yourselves to the heretofore untapped market of locally-based half-Korean college graduates who seriously overestimate the actual talent level of Korean ballplayers? It might sound like a limited market, sure, but you forget the periphery markets we pull in. Just two weeks ago I met a guy in a bar who owned three Camaros. So not only do you get half-Koreans, but you get Camaro junkies. And guys who own three Camaros, given my experience with them, purchase insane amounts of alcohol regardless of price. In short: Your Dream Fan.

So to sum up: Acquire Hee Seop Choi. Rewards include increased ticket revenue and alcohol sales, decreased amount of angry rants from half-Korean dudes, and access to at least three Camaros. It's been two weeks, so he may very well have picked up another one.

To Dave Henderson I say:

Please regale us with stories of your playing days! Specifically the ones involving rampant cocaine use and/or Dave Stewart throwing automobiles at people. Do you think Dave Stewart ever threw a Camaro at someone? What if he threw three? That would be a pretty sweet story.

To Willie Bloomquist I say:

Look, I know a lot of people give you shit. But you have to understand it's only in direct proportion to the amount of playing time you receive. If you'd just bugger off back down to AAA we'd leave you alone (in theory). Unfortunately, you tend to stick around the major league level and offer to drop bunts for Mike Hargrove. That's cool--it's the kind of go-get-'em attitude that got you up here in the first place, and helped you survive the wilds of Kitsap County--but enough is enough. I don't want to threaten you, but let me tell you something: Being half-Korean (have I mentioned that yet?), I have a little say in what goes on in the world of Asian baseball. Why this is I cannot say, but suffice to say that a wave of my hand can cause some pretty tumultuous things to happen over there. How do you think Warren Cromartie had such a good time in Japan? I mean, seriously, Warren Cromartie? Strings were pulled, my friend, strings were pulled. Likewise, I can arrange for Roberto Petagine to get involved in a little clubhouse mishap with you, the sort of clubhouse mishap that results in your body being crushed into a diamond by Roberto Petagine. He's a strong feller, and he owes me a few favors. I know, it sounds crazy. But it will happen, or I don't know a guy who owns three camaros (I do).

Whew. That felt good. Thank you all for indulging me. The elbow feels great, and should remain so, as long as I can keep it away from Dusty Baker. It's highly unlikely anything I wish for will actually come true, but Felix did get knocked around today and the Mariners still won, so I guess stranger things have happened.

Bonus Stupid Question:

If Felix is the King, then who is his Queen? More importantly, who is the Court Jester? My vote is for Carl Everett. That guy cracks me up just by existing.

Goddamn Patrick. I didn't even know you had Tommy John surgery . . .

Practically stand-up comedy.
Hell of a return, my friend. Hell of a return. Keep that elbow on ice.
Post a Comment

<< Home

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?