Thursday, April 20, 2006


Episode One: The Tyrant Lizard

Well done on hitting your first home run as a Mariner, Carl Everett! As a treat, and as inspiration for you to hit many more, preferably against AL West competition, here is the first in a series of articles geared towards helping you appreciate those most fantastic of prehistoric reptiles, the Dinosaurs.

Many people have made many jokes at your expense regarding your apparent disbelief in the existence of these magnificent creatures. These sorts of people should be rounded up and shot, preferably after being read some kind of incriminating Bible verse. After all, let he who is without sin be the one to cast the first stone, right? Did I get that right? I'm sure you will let me know via e-mail (which, by the way, also doesn't exist).

I've decided to take quite a different approach: education. Sure, we undervalue it in this country, as we undervalue most things that do not involve gasoline or naked women, but that doesn't mean that a little of it can't go a long way. And in your case, Carl, quite frankly, you've got a long way to go. So without further adieu, let's talk dinosaurs!

First off, the mighty Tyrannosaurus rex, Latin for "tyrant lizard king." Could there be a more apt dinosaur to introduce Carl Everett to? I submit that there cannot. Wherever you have gone, whatever clubhouse jungle you have stalked, mere mortal ballplayers have scattered in fear, while the rodent-mammal-like members of the media have tossed potshots from safe positions beneath the underbrush of the First Amendment. Also, overextended metaphors appear to have followed. Nonetheless, there is more than just being a tyrant (I guess not so much a lizard or king, now that I think about it) that you have in common with the T. rex; let's look at stature:

As you can see, strikingly similar. Although you've definitely mastered the art of upright walking, bear in mind that given the 70 million extra years of evolution at your disposal, this is hardly surprising. More important is the similarity in the arms: drawn in close to the body, bent at the elbow. Not, as some have indicated, a sign of weakness or the inability to convincingly hit a baseball, but a sign of strength and individualism, and all the more reason to develop tree trunks for legs and a set of razor-sharp teeth.

The T. rex is probably the most renowned predator in the history of the world, immortalized in such terrifying films as Jurassic Park, Tammy and the T-Rex, and The Land Before Time (more on this later). Likewise, you, Carl Everett, are one of the most renowned predators of team chemistry in the history of baseball. Though the advantages/myth of "team chemistry" are a matter of some debate, there is no debating the fact that you destroy it, mercilessly completely, wherever you come across it.

Efforts to compare your relative athletic ability are beyond my expertise; however, the kind folks at Wikipedia have this little entry that you can use as a primitive guide of sorts.

So you see, Carl, there is little to fear from these giant beasts. There is little reason for you to deny their existence, especially given their similarity to you, and also the fact that they're pretty freakin' cool. You remember that part in Jurassic Park when the T. rex was chasing down the Jeep with Jeff Goldblum in the back of it? Can't you sympathize with wanting to rend Jeff Goldblum limb from limb with your massive jaws? Would you not also chase a vehicle through the jungle in order to do so?

See, Carl? You've got a lot in common with Mr. T. rex. Don't disavow the past, Carl; embrace it. A man can forge a bond with figures of bygone eras, with movements of societies past, with giant land-borne lizards of ages long ago. The life of a professional athlete can be lonely, and can wound the soul; dinosaurs like the T. rex, whom you share so many similarities with, have the potential to heal those wounds.

Keep hitting dongers, Carl. Let the dinosaurs flow like so much river water into the ocean of your heart.

Dear Dr. Patrick,
Is it true that Wikipedia is a foundationless collection of opinions, feelings, and uncertain assertions that in fact has nothing to do with truth or reality and is trusted only by its creators and contributors?
Danny in the Dark
Post a Comment

<< Home

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?